My Thighs Are Big, My Brain Is Small.

“Mom, is it true that I’m the dumbest of your four kids?”

“Oh honey that’s ridiculous!” she said, as she hid her face behind a Mary Higgins Clark novel.

I could’ve sworn I heard a snort.

Like so many situations in my childhood, I hated the response that I got from my Mom, so I set off to find my Dad. I was sure he’d feed me the answer I wanted to hear.

“Dad, is it true that I’m the dumbest of your four kids?”

“What a silly thing to say! Who said that?!” my Dad responded, his mouth curling at the corners.

2 problems here.

First of all, “What a silly thing to say!” and “Oh honey that’s ridiculous!” do not answer my question.

Secondly, the snort and smirk weren’t very reassuring.

So I confronted my entire family at once.

“Am I really the dumbest of the four kids?!”

I was bombarded with a series of irrelevant responses:

            “You’re great at sports!”

            “You have an athletic physique!”

            “You’re the toughest, by far!”

            “You’re certainly the best athlete!”

Oh how splendid.

What I lack in intelligence I more than make up for in testosterone.

I wore Dockers in the 5^th grade. I had an androgynous haircut until…well…I think that’s still up for debate. My first book was Play Ball, Kate.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

My blood was boiling, so I yelled.

“WELL WHAT WAS YOUR GPA IN HIGH SCHOOL?!" (As if that’s any indication of intelligence.)

“DID YOU EVER HAVE A POEM PUBLISHED?!” (I authored “The Sounds of Life” in 6^th grade - what a deep concept - and they only published my poem in hopes that my parents would be foolish enough to buy the $100 anthology.)

“WERE YOU EDITOR OF THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?!” (I was just socially maladjusted enough to accept the position.)

“DID YOU MAKE DEAN’S LIST IN COLLEGE?!" (I’m almost positive the Emmanuel College mission statement is, “Providing a first class education to anyone with a pulse.”)

Everyone stared in horror.

My Dad chimed in, “Now, now, you’re very gifted! All of my kids have been blessed in different ways!”

He spoke slowly and deliberately, making sure that I understood every word.

Oh I understood.

I'm not very smart, but at least I can kick a soccer ball far!